I want to give Heather some help, with all the horrible stuff she is having to deal with. Her listening numbers are dropping. She cannot get a decent guest. So I am going to call in and tell her my story. I am sure it will prompt her to bring me on as a guest so we can discuss the proud history or my families dark secret. All those stories are true. The sightings and poor quality video are authentic. Those noises you heard at night in the woods around your house in places like Kentucky are exactly what you thought it was. Yes, I am ManBearPig. I am half man, half bear, and half pig. I was bitten by a bear and a pig at the exact same time as a child while walking through the woods one night. Over the next few weeks I noticed my senses had become heightened. I had greater strength, my eyesight was eagle like. I could hear noises from 500 miles away. My ability to talk to sheep and herd them became uncanny. I was made aware of the secret language of sheep. Baa-ram-ewe. Baa-ram-ewe. To your breed, your fleece, your clan be true. Sheep be true. Baa-ram-ewe. My appetite for honey became overwhelming. Anger issues also started to crop up. Then one day a strange man walked up to me and pointed to my butt cheeks, which was where I had been bitten by the bear and the pig at the same time (one on each cheek.) I did not know this man and had not told him where I had been bitten. I am sure this strange man was an American Indian. He told me that the bear and the pig wanted to merge souls with me and chose me. He also said that this gift would be passed down to the first born son of each generation. I was once in Salem and saw an 8ft vampire. I could sense he saw me and said, "I don't want none of you," as he realized I was ManBearPig.
My story must be told.
And yes, I am totally serial.
I even have a t-shirt made with my image on it.
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