Random, stupid things on your mind

[Peter Wyngarde]

After more than a half hour of being directed to various places within the building and waiting in three different lines, I finally got to the right person to review my application for a bulk mailing permit  The following is a near-verbatim rendering of the conversation that followed.

Postal Service Drone: "So how can I help you today?"

Me: "Um...I want to apply for a bulk mailing permit. Isn't this the bulk mailing application desk?"

PSD: "Yes. Let me give you an application form..." (reaches into desk)

M: "Oh, I have one filled out already. I downloaded the form from the USPS website."

PSD (frowns): "We don't accept that form. You need to use this one."

M: (peering at blank form): "Wait a minute, this is the exact same form."

PSD: "No, it's different."

M: "Look, even the form number at the bottom is the same."

PSD (sighs): "Yours is on white paper. It has to be on this brown paper with the perforations."

M: "I see. Why does the USPS put the form on the website and tell you to download it and fill it out prior to coming in if you require it on this special paper?"

PSD: "I'm not in charge of the website, sir. Please fill out this form."

M (fills out form with the same information): "So now I can do bulk mailing?"

PSD: "No. Did you read the instructions about bulk mailing on our web site?"

M: "I tried to, but instead of having all the information on one page, it branches off into links every time a new term or procedure is described. There must be a dozen pages, and the information on them contradicts each other."

PSD: "Well, you have to submit the permit application form."

M: "OK, here it is." (hands over form)

PSD: "Do you have two forms of picture identification?

M: "Why do I need to show you two picture IDs for advertising mail when I can mail packages with potentially harmful materials in them without any ID at all?"

PSD: "I'm not in charge of the identification rules, sir.

M (after a search through my wallet, I find my Costco card which becomes the 2nd ID): "So now can I do bulk mailing?"

PSD: "No. First, you have to pay a $185 bulk mailing permit fee."

M (gulps): "OK, so after I pay that, can I do bulk mailing?"

PSD: "No. You also have to fill out a form and pay another $185 for an annual mailing fee."

M (eyes bugging out): "So after that, I can do bulk mailing?"

PSD: "No. You have to decide how you're going to pay for the postage."

M: "What are the choices?"

PSD: "Well, the most convenient way is to pre-print a little box where the stamp goes that says "Bulk Mail" and gives your permit number."

M: "Oh, I like that idea. So I just print that and I can do bulk mailing?"

PSD: "No. First, you need to fill out a form and then pay a $185 permit imprint fee."

M: "And how many letters can I mail for that fee?"

PSD: "None. You need to sort your mail by zip code, or in some cases by city and not zip code..."

M: "Wait. Which cities do I sort by city and not zip code?"

PSD: "The small ones which only have one zip code within the city boundaries."

M: "Isn't that the same as sorting by zip code?"

PSD (eyes me with a look that says, "you're a smart one"): I'm not in charge of the sorting rules, sir. Then you bring all your mail back here, and we count it and you pay for the postage.

M: "And how much is the postage?"

PSD: "It depends. Could be 21 cents in the immediate area, or 28 cents outside that area."

M: "And what is the other postage payment option?"

PSD: "You can use precancelled stamps, which are 11 cents each."

M: "I like that option better."

PSD: "After putting the stamps on each envelope, you bring all your mail back here, and we count it and you pay for the postage."

M: "What do you mean pay for postage? What about the stamps?"

PSD: "Oh, that's just part of the postage. We count it up and then you pay the balance."

M: "Why not just make 21 and 28 cent precancelled stamps so that we can skip that step?"

PSD: "I'm not in charge of…."

M: "...anything rational or sensible?"

PSD: "...stamp denominations, sir."

M: "I just don't think this makes any sense for me."

PSD: "Why do you say that?"

M: "I'm mailing out postcards, about 4000 of them. Some of them are going in the immediate area, at 21 cents, but most are in the 28 cent area. Since the first class postcard rate is already 28 cents, I don't save much for all that extra work in sorting and then waiting in line so that you can count it and charge me."

PSD: "Well, let's see. Say that all 4000 are going to be mailed in the immediate area..."

M: "But I just said they weren't..."

PSD: "...you'd save...wait...(roots around in desk for calculator)

M: "280 dollars."

PSD: "...let's see...seven times four thousand..."

M: "280 dollars."

PSD: "28,000 dollars!"

M: "No, that's 28,000 cents, which is 280 dollars."

PSD (fiddles with calculator for awhile, then finally,): "280 dollars!"

M: "What would we do without calculators? But you see, I have to pay at least 370 dollars for the permits, plus another 185 dollars if I want the imprint instead of stamps. I still lose money."

PSD (blinks, pause): "Well sir, have you considered mailing letters instead of postcards? I'm sure you would save money that way."

M: "Goodbye."

PSD: "Wait! There's one other option, first class presort. You sort your mail by zip code, or in some cases by city and not zip code, then you bring all your mail back here, and we count it and you pay for the postage. No permits or annual fees required.

M: "And how much is that?"

PSD: "It's 24.5 cents per piece, no matter where it's mailed."

M: "But that's 3.5 cents more per piece for things sent in the immediate area."

PSD: "Well, let's say that all 4000 are going to be mailed outside the immediate area..." (starts fumbling with calculator again)

M: "You know, that sounds great. I'll be back in a second; I need to get my wallet out of my car."

PSD: "OK, I'll just wait here for you. Take your time."

I never have problems like these, but then again I'm blessed with astonishing charm and good looks and people bend over backwards to help me. I'm sure that an ill-favoured munchkin-looking dude like you gets dicked around with all the time. These people just can't help themselves, and I applaud their efforts. I'm sure this 'bulk mailing' you were perpetrating was really part of some sinister cabal that you and your creepy porn buddies get up to anyway, so we can all thank those good people at the post office that they acted in a timely fashion to stymie you. You odious bastard.

[bateman]

https://twitter.com/Rich_Cooper/status/1597692258840907776

visitors can't see pics , please register or login

[PB]

https://twitter.com/Rich_Cooper/status/1597692258840907776

Unless he has money or status, then these two would have their nails out clawing their way to the guy.

[HamsterMuscle]

I never have problems like these,

Is that so.  And just how often do you go to the United States Postal Service to engage in bulk mailing?

I'm going to try and be nice to you this week, because of the groining that your World Cup hopes are going to take this week.  I'm not withuot compassion for the less fortunate.

[HamsterMuscle]

Unless he has money or status, then these two would have their nails out clawing their way to the guy.

One less thing for you to worry about, you lucky boi.

[sean92008]

Steel Panther???

She's unencumbered, rock on!
  [ You are not allowed to view attachments ]  

[Peter Wyngarde]

Is that so.  And just how often do you go to the United States Postal Service to engage in bulk mailing?

Funny you should mention it, but I am constantly having to cut up items of sweaty clothing and then mailing them to my adoring female admirers, so it's an issue that crops up regularly. At least I use the mail for (comparatively) innocent purposes, but god only knows what you're using it for. You're probably mailing out catalogues to your list of weirdos featuring caramelised gerbils and diamond-studded butt plugs. I'm sure the good people at the post office took one look at this scrofulous old image tottering to the counter, reeking of corruption and halitosis, and did what any other public-spirited employee would, and fucked you around mercilessly. What a splendid body of men and women they are!

[HamsterMuscle]

my adoring female admirers,

The_Snoopy_Phone and fredward?  That's not enuf for bulk mailing, Nancy.

[Peter Wyngarde]

The_Snoopy_Phone and fredward?  That's not enuf for bulk mailing, Nancy.

I ask the jury to note that the defendant is refusing to give details of this alleged 'bulk mailing', and we are therefore justified in giving this beastly ratbag a good towsing with a heavy flashlight. It's clearly something unspeakably sordid and I think rendering him paraplegic, at the very least, is a debt we owe to society on behalf of our children.

[KSM]

I ask the jury to note that the defendant is refusing to give details of this alleged 'bulk mailing', and we are therefore justified in giving this beastly ratbag a good towsing with a heavy flashlight. It's clearly something unspeakably sordid and I think rendering him paraplegic, at the very least, is a debt we owe to society on behalf of our children.

YOU'RE A BIG FATSO!!

[HamsterMuscle]

YOU'RE A BIG FATSO!!

But, as you and you alone have pointed out rather stridently in a DM, he has a blue ribbon hog in his corral.

[KSM]

But, as you and you alone have pointed out rather stridently in a DM, he has a blue ribbon hog in his corral.

Actually, NO. You told ME in a PM that he, Peter was known for his substantial "GIRTH"  Now.. in my defense, being that you are a substantial phaggot, what was I to think? Hell, you and K-Dubb have hooked up in the past so why not you and Peter? And now you're involved in a fantastic up-the-ass overseas lovers quarrel!

[HamsterMuscle]

Actually, NO. You told ME in a PM that he, Peter was known for his substantial "GIRTH"  Now.. in my defense, being that you are a substantial phaggot, what was I to think? Hell, you and K-Dubb have hooked up in the past so why not you and Peter? And now you're involved in a fantastic up-the-ass overseas lovers quarrel!

Two things that I have observed recently:

1)  You are the only person on this board with whom I have discussed someone else's penis size in DM.

2)  You are the one who brings it up.

This concludes my participation in any discussion about Peter's peter.  You may continue, at your pleasure.

[KSM]

Two things that I have observed recently:

1)  You are the only person on this board with whom I have discussed someone else's penis size in DM.

2)  You are the one who brings it up.

This concludes my participation in any discussion about Peter's peter.  You may continue, at your pleasure.

I take no pleasure in this. You're the gay dude. You folks are on your own level of hell. My hands are clean. And now Peter the wanker owns you.  Congratulations.

[HamsterMuscle]

You're the gay dude. You folks are on your own level of hell.

Why do you say that?