Welcome Aboard our A3800 Meltdown Red Eye from Sea to Shining Sea and Pole to freezing Pole!
Our journey time will be approximately 3 hours, but we may have an inexplicable delay, or our Pilot Rear Admiral Wad may do an unscheduled detour so we may be travelling for up to 12 hours. Those in our third tier economy seats - yes YOU who have not sent rocks and did not subscribe ever - there are no toilet facilities at the back, so you should have thought about that before you didn’t even bother to paint some ridiculous shit on a rock and send it to Rear Admiral Wad.
This is the third time we have had this drill so even if you have been here for all the previous ones you still have to listen, please familiarise yourselves with the laminated KON Bingo seats in the the seatback compartment in front of you. As ever, SIIIIRRRR is your free box in the middle. We are offering to one lucky winner who gets a full house the chance to use the restroom facilities at the front of the aircraft directly after Rear Admiral Wad as a prize, so this is high stakes bingo for sure.
In the event of a meltdown or other semi quittening event please ensure your seatbelt is on and you turn your seat backs to the upright position. It can get bumpy, and we may encounter singing on the stream.
Our cabin crew comprised of MicheleF, KatB and Smog will be here to help you with any queries you may have, and shortly after takeoff will be bringing a selection of high priced and useless gifts which you will be able to buy to send to the cockpit for Rear Admiral Wad to throw on the floor and immediately forget about.
We are delighted to report that we have replaced our chief pursers JamesC and LashaS as they were shit and blabbed.
Please sit back, relax and enjoy this ill fated journey to nofuckingwhere.
I am your co pilot - Mike in Montana.
