Author Topic: ENTERTAINING JUAN  (Read 3084 times)

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KSM

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Re: ENTERTAINING JUAN
« Reply #15 on: May 17, 2021, 10:41:05 AM »

This happened about 30 years ago. 

My buddies and I went to the Pirates game at Three Rivers Stadium.  The game was boring and the Pirates had a big lead.  So we decided to leave a little early to avoid the traffic and the God awful experience of getting out of the parking lot.  The plan was for us to meet at the Denny's north of the city, then maybe afterward have some drinks at one of our places.  The Denny's was open 24 hours a day and we were hungry and the idea of having pancakes and omelets at 11:00 PM seemed like a good idea.


So, we head out of the stadium and most of the fans did as well.  The parking lot was congested and even though the exit I needed to take was very close it is always a bottleneck.  That being said, I probably should've used the restroom before leaving the stadium but I didn't feel (at the time) that I needed to.

Well, I should've. It took seemingly forever to even get out of the parking lot.  I'm just maybe 10 car lengths from getting to where I have to turn and I have to pee BAD!  All I have to do is I take a couple quick turns once I get out then I get to the highway exit, and I'm on my way. 

Nope. Cars aren't moving. I'm thinking maybe I can stand outside my car and pee somehow.  Maybe pretend I'm checking my engine?  I couldn't do it. Now, I had a habit of just throwing trash in my back seat and I reached around and found a bottle.  A small juice bottle.  Not that it's relevant but the brand was Very Fine.  It was 8 ounces or so.  The bottle was too small.  I knew that wasn't an option.

I'm freaking out.  I considered just pissing on the floorboard and cleaning it later.  However after more rooting around I grabbed a plastic K Mart bag.  The cars start to move and I'm close to getting out.  I think to myself if I blow up the bag and it holds air, it should probably hold liquid.

I decided to give it a go and I wrapped the edge of the bag around my 'you know what' and released.  It worked!  The bag held! Traffic started moving and I was on my way.  Just a couple of turns.  My plan was once I got off the exit ramp I'd throw the bag of urine out of the window.  As long as there where no cars close of course.

As I yield off the ramp and let cars by I feel I'm home free.  Keep in mind that I had the old fashioned roll down windows and during this ordeal I'm holding a bag of piss in my right hand why I'm steering with the left.

Okay. I start to hold roll down the window with my left hand as I try to hold the wheel still while holding the bag with my right hand.  I got the window down, switched the bag to my left hand in order to chuck it.

I raise it up to throw it out and as soon as I raise it to the window the wind shear makes the bag explode.  Piss everywhere.  I momentarily lost control of the car.  I collected myself and looked around for cops or other cars.  I had droplets of urine on my eyelashes and all over me.

Never made it to Denny's.  Never had drinks with my buddies.  No cell phones to let them know I wasn't coming.  The next day they wanted to know why I bailed and I reluctantly told them.  Yeah, not one of my finer moments.

True story folks.

Very! Entertaining.

#PeeStuff

KSM

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Re: ENTERTAINING JUAN
« Reply #16 on: May 17, 2021, 10:47:02 AM »
This is what happens when you asked to be entertainment, @juan

There was this drummer named Danny who would love to tap Mark on the shoulder and then slap his face with his ween when Mark turned around. Day after day Slow Mark would fall for this and get his face slapped with drummer ween. 5 weeks into the tour and mark's face has seen more ween than some meth whores see in a lifetime. It seemed to happen after each and every soundcheck. A tap on the shoulder, a turn of the head and another prickslap.

By the sixth week Slow Mark had enough. He knew Danny would order a giant White Russian Coffee before the doors opened. He knew it would be brought backstage with whatever other drinks the band ordered.

Soundcheck ended and Slow Mark took off before getting his prickslap. The man had a plan. He grabbed a glass from the bar and took it into the bathroom where he proceeded to deposit his love into the glass. Yes, he beat off into the glass. He added a shot of vodka and poured some coffee into the glass and mixed it all up. He got some whipped cream from the bar and added it to the try that was going backstage while removing the drink Danny had ordered.

He headed backstage and picked up his meal ticket and per diem just as the tray arrived. Danny sure was thirsty, he downed that drink in a few gulps as Slow Mark looked on.

Slow Mark never told Danny what he had did. It wasn't until a few years later when I embellished the story and told Danny that Slow Mark used to jerk off into his drink every night.

Are these two guys still alive?

The fluids thing always goes really bad with road rivalries. Same with "sleep wars" which is something we used to have and those could get way out of hand with all manner of tomfoolery.

ShayP

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Re: ENTERTAINING JUAN
« Reply #17 on: May 17, 2021, 10:51:34 AM »
I would kill Danny and Mark. @Bart Ell  Well, actually to say 'kill' is severe, but if I found out I drank some dudes cum...yeah...they'd be in the river, or disabled at least.  Danny because he's a fucking idiot and Mark for jerking off in a glass relishing the sight of Danny drinking his semen.  What the hell man!? 

And how the hell can you get it up just to jerk off in someone's drink at a random time!? 

Bart Ell

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Re: ENTERTAINING JUAN
« Reply #18 on: May 17, 2021, 10:58:37 AM »
Are these two guys still alive?

The fluids thing always goes really bad with road rivalries. Same with "sleep wars" which is something we used to have and those could get way out of hand with all manner of tomfoolery.

One of them is fairly well known now.
The other I lost track of.

Bart Ell

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Re: ENTERTAINING JUAN
« Reply #19 on: May 17, 2021, 10:59:04 AM »
And how the hell can you get it up just to jerk off in someone's drink at a random time!?

Say what now?

ShayP

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Re: ENTERTAINING JUAN
« Reply #20 on: May 17, 2021, 11:00:41 AM »
Wow... a Waffle House desert.  They’re all over, next door in Ohio.

I think the closest one is 40 miles south of Pittsburgh in Washington, PA.  No others to be found.

whoozit

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Re: ENTERTAINING JUAN
« Reply #21 on: May 17, 2021, 11:06:37 AM »
I was once slapped by a stripper in Vegas and her manager made her apologize to me.  Let me know if more details are desired.

ShayP

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Re: ENTERTAINING JUAN
« Reply #22 on: May 17, 2021, 11:11:23 AM »
Say what now?

You said that guy would go and beat off into a glass in a bathroom then make the drink.  Did this guy just have the ability to ejaculate at any given time without being aroused?

ShayP

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Re: ENTERTAINING JUAN
« Reply #23 on: May 17, 2021, 11:13:01 AM »
I was once slapped by a stripper in Vegas and her manager made her apologize to me.  Let me know if more details are desired.

Did you give her a $2 bill? They don't realize it's actually money.

Bart Ell

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Re: ENTERTAINING JUAN
« Reply #24 on: May 17, 2021, 11:15:14 AM »
You said that guy would go and beat off into a glass in a bathroom then make the drink.  Did this guy just have the ability to ejaculate at any given time without being aroused?

Are you saying you can't just take off your pants and jacket?

ShayP

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Re: ENTERTAINING JUAN
« Reply #25 on: May 17, 2021, 11:17:23 AM »
Are you saying you can't just take off your pants and jacket?

Not at this point in my life.  The pants thing, yeah.  But...  :(

Plus I need inspiration!  i.e. Markie Post  :D

juan

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Re: ENTERTAINING JUAN
« Reply #26 on: May 17, 2021, 11:41:40 AM »
This is what happens when you asked to be entertainment, @juan

There was this drummer

Drummers are always good.
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

Walks_At_Night

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Re: ENTERTAINING JUAN
« Reply #27 on: May 17, 2021, 11:43:32 AM »
A couple of days after I graduated High School, my folks moved out of Detroit to a small town in Northern Michigan. During the summers while I was going to college, I lived there and worked at a big golf course and resort. Worked in the bag drop area - pulled golf carts out of the barn, parked golf carts back into the barn, gassed golf carts, cleaned golf carts, loaded golf bags onto carts, cleaned golf shoes and clubs. Summers are beautiful up that way so not a bad gig at all.

One time this group pulls up in their carts after finishing their day. There is some burly guy passed out in the passenger seat of one of the carts. He's sun burned like a lobster and reeking of Meister Brau. His buddies say "That's The Moose. We're going into the bar, just leave him be. We'll be back for him later". This is not good because we wanna get the cart cleaned up, the 10,000 Meister Brau empties put in the can return thingy [10 cents a can in the MI] and the cart put back in the barn, but whatever.

After a while sounds start emanating from deep in inside The Moose. Growling, churning, sloshing sounds. We're all like "Whoa baby. He's gonna spew". Sure enough he wakes up, staggers over to the rubbish barrel we keep in the bag drop area - it's one of those big Rubbermaid 32 Gallon deals. The Moose grabs both handles of it looks down and we are all relieved as it looks like he is gonna hurl into the rubbish can, which is easily the best case scenario at this point. Suddenly,  The Moose focuses and notices our little buddy in there - Rocky the Raccoon. All thoughts of vomiting are gone from The Moose now as he is absolutely livid. Filled with pure hatred, he reaches into the rubbish can and grabs Rocky by the scruff of the neck!

He pulls Rocky out and starts shaking the hell out the hapless beast. He then holds it up by his face and he starts to holler at it. He is yelling things...awful things. Things no human should say to an animal "You little bastard. I'm gonna ram my c*ck up your tight little Coon ass. Then I'm gonna rip your head off, skin you and nail your hide to that God D*mned tree".  Obviously, Rocky has had enough of that treatment - he was used to us feeding him marshmallows and being kind to him - kind of like a bag drop area mascot. Rocky struggles, reaches back and nails The Moose's hand. Lays it open like a Fillet-O-Fish. Dripping an incredible amount of blood, The Moose collapses in a heap, pukes and passes out again.

So now what? We can get the cart cleaned up, gassed and put away. So that's good. However, now we've got a drunken disaster in our area. "Is that Moose dude dead?". "I dunno - maybe we should check on him". "Well if he ain't breathing, I'm not giving him mouth-to-mouth". "Screw that - I ain't either". So eventually, I go over and kind of toe The Moose with my shoe and it is established that he's still breathing. Great but now what?  We discuss the options: We can go into the bar and inform his posse, we can report the situation to our supervisor or we can just pretend it never happened.  Obviously the third choice is the way to go - we don't know nothing. 

Eventually the guys come out the bar to retrieve The Moose and find him lying in a pool of blood and vomit. "What the hell happened to The Moose".  "Uhm - we're not really sure. We think, like, he got attacked by an animal".  "Looks like he may need stitches, is their a Doctor in this town?" "Well there was, but he killed himself last Winter in a snowmobile wreck and we never got a new one. Not too many Doc's wanna live up this way. You'll have to take him the hospital". "Well where's that?" "Oh its not too far. Two counties over - like 60 miles one way". "!$%$@%$@ Moose. You are such a pain in the ass". So they scrape The Moose off the ground, dump into the back of their van and drive away.

A pointless story but the best I can come up with during this never ending work call that I'm stuck on.

ItsOver

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Re: ENTERTAINING JUAN
« Reply #28 on: May 17, 2021, 12:46:56 PM »
From Moose and Squirrel to Moose and Coon.

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KSM

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Re: ENTERTAINING JUAN
« Reply #29 on: May 17, 2021, 01:15:46 PM »
I was once slapped by a stripper in Vegas and her manager made her apologize to me.  Let me know if more details are desired.
@whoozit Sure. Let's hear it!

I used to poke breasts in the middle of a conversation with someone new. Nice flow going as we trade pleasantries back n fourth and then a quick little index finger poke to the breast without warning or in any way telegraphing the move.   (((drink thrown in face)))  One time some bouncers beat me up real bad. I had the root canal to prove it until the tooth had to be pulled last year and replaced with a beautiful implant.  Front, right bottom tooth.  ;D :D :)