ENTERTAINING JUAN

[KSM]

@juan has expressed his dismay at the lack of posting by others. Juan demands to be entertained!

SO GET AT IT YOU LAME BUNCHA SADSACKS!


Hey Juan, when I was nine my dad took my sister and I out to look at horse he was considering buying but when we got there the horse was loose in the main field with almost two dozen other horses. They were restless, the lot of them.  For some reason dad put me on the horse in question.. bareback, with no way of handling the animal in the traditional way. This was just little boy on a wild horse among a bunch of other horses.
I really don't know what triggered it but all the sudden the herd/group/team of horses took off in tandem with me somewhere in the middle. As they took me away at in a full gallop I could hear my dad screaming "HOLD ON BOY! DUCK DOWN AND HOLD ON!" on top of that I could clearly hear my little sister screaming, crying - WHAAAAAAAAAAAA    Neither of them were helping. I was fucked as the distance between myself my family members grew and grew.  Keep in mind that I was missing Disney as this was a Sunday evening.
This went on for the better part of ten minutes - sheer terror as they ran wild, twisting and sharply turning as a group alomost throwing me several times and that would have been certain death! DEAD. TRAMPLED. CRUSHED AND BLOODY LITTLE KSM!!!
I did, in fear and farm boy instinct manage to become one with the horse and just go with the flow if you will. By now I was silent as the gravity of my situation was quite clear to me.

....eventually they made there way into a wooded area that I knew would slow them down (tree's) I knew that this was my one chance to stay NOT DEAD! They were still moving very quickly but I saw my one chance to jump off and wrap myself around a large birch tree as all the horses eventually passed me by. Time stood still and I was the fucking man, baby!

No city slicker shitass kid would've been able to do what I did that day.  Wild ass stuff!







PS on the way home my dad asked me to NOT tell my mother about it however I was so high on myself (and adrenaline) that I had to let it slip at some point before bed. They fought - I slept.

[KSM]

I have also fucked, screwed, and banged over two dozen strippers without contracting any STD to speak of.

There is a God.

[Bart Ell]

(tree's)

This is the part that will entertain @juan the most.

[ShayP]

PS on the way home my dad asked me to NOT tell my mother about it however I was so high on myself (and adrenaline) that I had to let it slip at some point before bed. They fought - I slept.

Narc.

[ShayP]

"HOLD ON BOY! DUCK DOWN AND HOLD ON!"

That's what all those strippers said!

[JUAN]

This is the part that will entertain @juan the most.

Indeed, I was very entertained.

[ShayP]

I could share an embarrassing story involving me, a baseball game, traffic, and a bag of urine if @juan is interested?  Not sure if that would be entertaining.  The story is absolutely true though, and unfortunate.  But I'm willing to share! 

[Bart Ell]

I could share an embarrassing story involving me, a baseball game, traffic, and a bag of urine if @juan is interested?  Not sure if that would be entertaining.  The story is absolutely true though, and unfortunate.  But I'm willing to share! 

You don't ask if he is interested, you make him interested.
Knowing him the way I do I am sure the bag of urine has him moist with anticipation!

[ShayP]

This happened about 30 years ago. 

My buddies and I went to the Pirates game at Three Rivers Stadium.  The game was boring and the Pirates had a big lead.  So we decided to leave a little early to avoid the traffic and the God awful experience of getting out of the parking lot.  The plan was for us to meet at the Denny's north of the city, then maybe afterward have some drinks at one of our places.  The Denny's was open 24 hours a day and we were hungry and the idea of having pancakes and omelets at 11:00 PM seemed like a good idea.


So, we head out of the stadium and most of the fans did as well.  The parking lot was congested and even though the exit I needed to take was very close it is always a bottleneck.  That being said, I probably should've used the restroom before leaving the stadium but I didn't feel (at the time) that I needed to.

Well, I should've. It took seemingly forever to even get out of the parking lot.  I'm just maybe 10 car lengths from getting to where I have to turn and I have to pee BAD!  All I have to do is I take a couple quick turns once I get out then I get to the highway exit, and I'm on my way. 

Nope. Cars aren't moving. I'm thinking maybe I can stand outside my car and pee somehow.  Maybe pretend I'm checking my engine?  I couldn't do it. Now, I had a habit of just throwing trash in my back seat and I reached around and found a bottle.  A small juice bottle.  Not that it's relevant but the brand was Very Fine.  It was 8 ounces or so.  The bottle was too small.  I knew that wasn't an option.

I'm freaking out.  I considered just pissing on the floorboard and cleaning it later.  However after more rooting around I grabbed a plastic K Mart bag.  The cars start to move and I'm close to getting out.  I think to myself if I blow up the bag and it holds air, it should probably hold liquid.

I decided to give it a go and I wrapped the edge of the bag around my 'you know what' and released.  It worked!  The bag held! Traffic started moving and I was on my way.  Just a couple of turns.  My plan was once I got off the exit ramp I'd throw the bag of urine out of the window.  As long as there where no cars close of course.

As I yield off the ramp and let cars by I feel I'm home free.  Keep in mind that I had the old fashioned roll down windows and during this ordeal I'm holding a bag of piss in my right hand why I'm steering with the left.

Okay. I start to hold roll down the window with my left hand as I try to hold the wheel still while holding the bag with my right hand.  I got the window down, switched the bag to my left hand in order to chuck it.

I raise it up to throw it out and as soon as I raise it to the window the wind shear makes the bag explode.  Piss everywhere.  I momentarily lost control of the car.  I collected myself and looked around for cops or other cars.  I had droplets of urine on my eyelashes and all over me.

Never made it to Denny's.  Never had drinks with my buddies.  No cell phones to let them know I wasn't coming.  The next day they wanted to know why I bailed and I reluctantly told them.  Yeah, not one of my finer moments.

True story folks.

[ItsOver]

Ha!  You should have continued on to Denny’s.  I’ve seen customers there that were worse off.

[JUAN]

Didn’t you have a Waffle House?  Maybe 11PM is too early for there.

[ShayP]

Didn’t you have a Waffle House?  Maybe 11PM is too early for there.

No, not in Pittsburgh.  I frequented them in Virginia though.

[ItsOver]

No, not in Pittsburgh.  I frequented them in Virginia though.

Wow... a Waffle House desert.  They’re all over, next door in Ohio.

[Bart Ell]

This is what happens when you asked to be entertainment, @juan

There was this drummer named Danny who would love to tap Mark on the shoulder and then slap his face with his ween when Mark turned around. Day after day Slow Mark would fall for this and get his face slapped with drummer ween. 5 weeks into the tour and mark's face has seen more ween than some meth whores see in a lifetime. It seemed to happen after each and every soundcheck. A tap on the shoulder, a turn of the head and another prickslap.

By the sixth week Slow Mark had enough. He knew Danny would order a giant White Russian Coffee before the doors opened. He knew it would be brought backstage with whatever other drinks the band ordered.

Soundcheck ended and Slow Mark took off before getting his prickslap. The man had a plan. He grabbed a glass from the bar and took it into the bathroom where he proceeded to deposit his love into the glass. Yes, he beat off into the glass. He added a shot of vodka and poured some coffee into the glass and mixed it all up. He got some whipped cream from the bar and added it to the try that was going backstage while removing the drink Danny had ordered.

He headed backstage and picked up his meal ticket and per diem just as the tray arrived. Danny sure was thirsty, he downed that drink in a few gulps as Slow Mark looked on.

Slow Mark never told Danny what he had did. It wasn't until a few years later when I embellished the story and told Danny that Slow Mark used to jerk off into his drink every night.

[KSM]

This is the part that will entertain @juan the most.

I'm was hoping that @GravitySucks would jump on that one.