The holidays were a big deal: Service for six one night and service for four the next. Afterward, while she decompressed at a double-matinee, I vaccumed, swept, mopped, polished the coffee table, and cleaned everyone's fingerprints/footprints(?!) off the glass table. I also emptied the vacuum and recyclables, as I always do. I cleaned my side of the fridge and cleared freezer space. And, had fun boxing, wrapping and tagging the last gifts for her. It was the least I could do, since she wore herself out cooking for long shifts two days in a row and would not accept much help.
After briefly asking if she opened her last gifts, our conversation dwindled. I started to retreat to my room bec I could tell she was tense and unhappy. She blames her unhappiness on me. I forgot the Cardinal Rule of not accessing the little linen closet during "business hours". As I put away three hand towels, she challenged me, "What are you doing in the linen closet?" I explained I put away three clean hand towels. That wasn't good enough for her. She challenged again, "They weren't in the washing machine yesterday". I explained they had been in a pile of clean laundry in my room, which I had folded last night. She knew my room was a little backed up on chores because of a last-minute, time-consuming misunderstanding during preparations. Sheesh. I rarely access the linens.at all, keeping many of my own linens in my room. But this week, after guests used towels, of course I washed some from my guest bathroom!
Her mood brightened after I showed her that I vacuumed the entire place last night, and polished the tables.
And cleaned my room. Thank God. Like the flight attendants say, my own "oxygen mask" does need to come first!
She has her home to herself from 6AM to 11AM or later most days. Very long, quiet, solitary mornings, just like she loves. And I keep it very clean and always detailed. It has dawned on me that I probably could be enjoying this rent-paying Cinderella thing even for the least of men instead of her, and have more fun than doing it. But, rather than go out and domestically exploit myself, I have remained reserved, loyal to my boyfriend, even though he and I have not been able to resolve some very important values clashes. The most recent one starting with my quip "Don't bore me" and ending with my suggestion, "There are many other male professionals, if yours does not seem effective."
Getting a little older, I am able to quickly identify immediate psycho-connections between individuals, their worser parent, and the life partner they choose. Daughters of mamma's-boy marrying mamma's boys. Daughters of alcoholics marrying alcoholics. Mamma's boys marrying for attention/approval instead of love. Daddy's girls marrying achievers they can manipulate. Glad-handlers' daughters marrying attention-seeking men.
In my family, as far as dysfunctional family roles, I started out "The Hero" for decades. That was great. But after getting out on my own, their first-born son who had been "The Lost Child" primarily usurped "The Hero" role, as he stayed closer to home. Family has been stubbornly trying shove me into a much worse role, for a very long time. But I remember the lime light and am loathe to entirely give it up.
I know my parents' shadow sides and won't marry those traits. Both parents were disloyal, superficial, unavailable, judgmental, callous, unpleasant saboteurs. Dad was unprotective, vindictive, manipulative, and a deceitful, household thief. Mom was paranoid, depressed, and volatile myopic. Those are a lot of traits to watch out for.
I need someone who maintains the following traits even under adversity: Loyal, authentic, present, understanding, gentle, pleasant and supportive. Protective, fair, straightforward, and honest. Secure, hopeful, stable and broad-minded. Sounds like a nurse. Well, male nurses VERY sexy! In years past, in my own mind, I considered my bf to be like a great nurse. But, then bad behaviors surfaced for a long time.
...Disloyalty about alcoholism, callously mentioning other women's sexual attractiveness superficially right in front of me, & therefore basically becoming unavailable, by my standards. He was vindictive a few times, regarding flirting with other women. He sounded paranoid, asking me if I was an enemy (just bec I have needs? What?). He has sounded depressed. I believe he has gotten myopic. Lovely. Little dysfunctional family patterns all over.
The thing is, in these cases, the problem is usually the dynamic, not the people. For instance, my dad's second wife made quick work of some of my dad's lesser traits. So, "he" was not the issue. Behavior was the issue. If I just had a magic wand. I pray frequently for help in this area.
Since she really wants me out of here, it would behoove her not to waste time on dramatic, dysfunctional family conflicts and spend more time actually telling people I am seeking work, referring me to house clean friends' homes meanwhile, sending me job referrals (She sees them), complimenting me on LinkedIn for skills she is aware of, like conversational Spanish. And not hogging the kitchen sprawled all over the galley countertop in front of the normal utensil drawer and microwave, on a stool with a blanket over her, and her bare feet on an open drawer foot rest WHEN I AM QUICKLY EATING BREAKFAST, SACKING A LUNCH, FEEDING THE CAT AND GETTING OUT THE DOOR TO WORK OR AN INTERVIEW AFTER SHE HAS HAD THE WHOLE HOUSE TO HERSELF ALL MORNING LONG! I prep as much as possible at night so meals are only a matter of rehapeating, yet nonetheless she is a huge hindrance. Sometimes she packs up and makes way; other times she doesn't. Sink and drainer full of dishes, pots and pans in the fridge instead of serveware. Often, she decides to cook after hours alone, exactly at the time she knows I'll need a burner! Unbelievable. "Beyond Belief".