Okay, you all win. I concede defeat. I am admitting myself to Bellevue Hospital. I absolutely will be placed back on psychiatric medication and for absolute certain will be placed on AOT AGAIN, by default. I will be gone for quite some time. I’ll be medicated, in treatment, and safe - for life. I will be nice and controlled, living in abject fear for the rest of my time in this world. All the progress I have made is out the fucking window. I’ll probably be living in a group home and on the SSI till. At least I will never have to work again, I can sit on my fucking ass and swallow pills and take injections all day long like the rest of those fucking worthless leeches at the Pomona Clinic. Because I give up. Why fight it anymore and be in denial? I find my strength in weakness, wisdom in lies, and truth in deception. That Light inside of me I felt coming Back, my Humanity, the moving in my soul of ACTUALLY experiencing human emotion will be medicated away and gone forever. Homicidal thoughts will come back on medication, even suicidal thoughts. As I walk past police officers I will CONSTANTLY fight the very visceral urge to grab their Glock 23 from their holster and blow the back of my cranium apart. Or pulling over on The Tappan Zee Bridge and jumping to my death, for real. Because none of you are psychiatric survivors. None of you have had to bury other fellow comrades or go to the funerals. None of you. So the only person who might possibly could have made that one difference, could have turned the whole system on it’s head and changed it to a truly therapeutic one has given up. Congratulations, I hope you all feel powerful. Because I quit. I’m going back on medication. I am commiting voluntary suicide via mental health treatment. And after I get out of jail and back on psychiatric medication for life I sure do hope you all feel safe with that false sense of security. Because the most dangerous thing to a person’s safety, especially their own, is a compliant mental patient on meds. Again, congratulations. The Malcom X of the Psychiatric Survivor/Resistance Movement has thrown in the towel and given up. It’s over. I’ll be dead before I’m 50.
