Ask Bart Anything

[paladin1991]

Did they call you at the mall?
How long did it take you to get to the phone on your segway?
Did you have to toot your horn on your segway in order to get through the crowd at Cinnabon?
So many questions, Pal Blart, so many questions!

No.  He used the direct line to the payphone in the public shitter my office.  And I can't go near Cinnabon anymore.  Not since I gave Felchie a donation towards his gym membership.  AND THEN talked shit about  by THE FAT ONE (tm pending) whether or not I could afford to buy cinnabon for my daughter. 

[Walks_At_Night]

Bart,

Mrs. Walks_At_Night is out and about but due home soon. I have your masterpiece pulled up on the TV in an endless loop with the volume on 11 and have hidden the remote deep in the couch cushions [plausible deniability and all of that]. I think I will now walkover to a nearby establishment and order a bottle of beer along with a bowl of the outstanding chili they have there.  Is this a good plan?

[Bart Ell]

Bart,

Mrs. Walks_At_Night is out and about but due home soon. I have your masterpiece pulled up on the TV in an endless loop with the volume on 11 and have hidden the remote deep in the couch cushions [plausible deniability and all of that]. I think I will now walkover to a nearby establishment and order a bottle of beer along with a bowl of the outstanding chili they have there.  Is this a good plan?

Great plan, @Walks_At_Night but I have a few tweaks to offer -

1. Dead batteries in the remote.
2. Loop the Director's Cut of the video

[Walks_At_Night]

Bart,

Is a marriage strong if it took 29 years for your spouse to call you a "F'ing asshole?"

[HamsterMuscle]

Jesus descends from the heavens and leaves the choice to you: all songs end with a slow fadeout, or all songs end with one heavy note (hard chord and one last hit of the drums). What’s your choice?

[Bart Ell]

Bart,

Is a marriage strong if it took 29 years for your spouse to call you a "F'ing asshole?"

I am not sure.
I got called a "F'ing asshole" for the first time months before we got married.
I will get back to you in 17 years.

[Bart Ell]

Jesus descends from the heavens and leaves the choice to you: all songs end with a slow fadeout, or all songs end with one heavy note (hard chord and one last hit of the drums). What’s your choice?

This is an easy one - option 2.
When I was a young Bart I got hired by this insanely good looking girl with a very average voice.
We did about a dozen TV shows that summer and each time we had to mime along to a fade out my soul was crushed just a little bit.

[JUAN]

@Bart Ell have you gotten in on the private performance gravy train?
https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-features/private-concerts-fees-performers-1324577/

[Bart Ell]

@Bart Ell have you gotten in on the private performance gravy train?
https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-features/private-concerts-fees-performers-1324577/

I did crew work on 3 of them and the bands hate the shows but love the money.
One as a Lane Bryant private party... 100 plus size models getting all sweaty to the music.
Before the world shut down I worked with a promoter who would arrange private concerts at a few of the wineries here.
Jackson-Triggs does about 50% private concerts at the little place they built out back.

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[KSM]

I'm considering this (see link) Ever heard of this brand? I have not. My hard disk recorder, KORG D16-MII is 20 yrs old this year. Still works like a charm and it sounds great but if or when it dies I want to be prepared.

https://www.sweetwater.com/store/detail/M32Live--midas-m32-live-digital-mixer?utm_source=criteo&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=lowerfunnelnew&utm_content=display&utm_term=1200x280&dclid=CLeYy7_y-_YCFWQJaAgdETUIBg

[Bart Ell]

I'm considering this (see link) Ever heard of this brand? I have not. My hard disk recorder, KORG D16-MII is 20 yrs old this year. Still works like a charm and it sounds great but if or when it dies I want to be prepared.

https://www.sweetwater.com/store/detail/M32Live--midas-m32-live-digital-mixer?utm_source=criteo&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=lowerfunnelnew&utm_content=display&utm_term=1200x280&dclid=CLeYy7_y-_YCFWQJaAgdETUIBg

Yeah, their preamps are great.

[HamsterMuscle]

Sir Bart,

Do you prefer 1) playing sports; 2) watching sports; 3) reading about sports; or 4) ignoring sports?

[Bart Ell]

Sir Bart,

Do you prefer 1) playing sports; 2) watching sports; 3) reading about sports; or 4) ignoring sports?

Every year around this time I go to the local batting cages to smack some balls.
Every year there is great success so I go back the next day.
Every year the next day results in horrific blisters.
Every year at about a week from now I give up playing and wait for the next hockey season to start so I can watch that.
If this was some grand scheme to get me talking about my secret love of water sports then you have failed!

[HamsterMuscle]

If this was some grand scheme to get me talking about my secret love of water sports then you have failed!

I play the long game.

If you had to present a list of 10 cities to Russia that were ok to nuke, which 10 would you give them?

[Bart Ell]

I play the long game.

If you had to present a list of 10 cities to Russia that were ok to nuke, which 10 would you give them?

1. Baltimore - I saw things there, man.
2. Austin - Fuckers try too hard to be weird.
3. Niagara Falls, NY - We just need the one.
4. Plovdiv, Bulgaria - I met the devil in a jail there and he was a trickster!
5. Gainesville, Florida - If it is the type of nuke that would eliminate a city and then pull the land to the north and south of it together then it would be great way to shorten that drive.
6. Adelaide, Australia - A city of cunts.
7. Ottumwa, Iowa - That little prick on MASH made me hate it.
8. Sacramento, California -  Shit city that ruins the state.
9. Koblenz, Germany - In 2017 they cancelled an event I was working because of a terrorist threat. I feel I owe them one.
10. Calgary, Alberta - Because fuck 'em.