Author Topic: DV  (Read 155 times)

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Sofia

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DV
« on: January 09, 2019, 04:17:53 PM »
(This is a continuation of the mention of domestic violence [DV] in the Heather Drama thread).  Well, for anyone interested in hearing how DV can insidiuosly take root in an otherwise normal life, here are some anecdotes:

As for what happened to me, maybe someone can learn from it.  Or have a good laugh.  There were victories on the way out of the domestic violence, but tragedies too.  One victory was that the jailer mocked the cops for arresting me, because I was obviously the victim, bleeding.  Another victory was how the abuser later was royally humiliated during an interaction with a prosecutor.  I also learned a lot about jail during my short stay there.  I was allowed a seat belt on the rough ride to arraignment while male inmates were not afforded such luxury (very sorry to hear!)  Also, luckily my employer never found out.  Also, the arrest was the impetus which finally got me out of that bad relationship.  I had been looking for my own place, but the timing of the arrest added luck & motivation, resulting in near-immediate housing, finally!

Those are the easy things to mention, almost fun, but I rarely think of those victories anymore.  The thoughts that stay with me the longest are about how a pet suffered traumatic injuries/death due me making a mistake in the chaos, compulsivity, & superficiality in the household.  It died after three days in veterinary care, care which seemed sub-standard, really.  I never live down the trauma & difficult death the pet went through (Suggestions?  Please PM), but to my credit a little, I had warned its owner time & time again, that I did not want us to move in next to guard dogs, that I knew judgment & doors are hard to control in large homes with multiple people, so the pets could get hurt.  But the abuser was enthusiastic as well as adamant about relocating to a home which happened to have guard dogs next door.  She thought the guard dogs indicated the neighbors were drug dealers (which they were), & she wanted to get pot from them.  I suppose she ended up as one of their clients, but I did not ask.  After the pet died, I won arbitration of a civil claim against the home of the drug dealers, which I'd been trying to prosecute anyway, & also they moved away after having been there 11 years.  But those are just after-the-fact details.  Nothing resurrects the pet.

Maybe, though, maybe I prevented other animals or children from getting hurt at that location.

The physical abuse occured long before the pet died.  The electric nerve damage from my deep domestic violence bruises took many years to heal, & a broken bone with shooting pains took about 8 years to regain full function, but it could have been much worse.

Oddly, with the support of the abuser's family, I got all my money back very quickly.  I had had no idea she was stealing from me because we both were making exceptionally good money.  But one day right before payday, I called the bank to check my balance because I knew I had spent a lot & should start checking my balance as a safeguard.  No problem, right?  Well, when I checked my balance on the automated phone system, I was overdrawn by $900, which did not make any sense at all.  I should have had over $100 in the account.  It was ironic she had financially abused me, because time after time, she listened to me making phone calls to the bank, getting upset because my statements were not coming.  I thought they just could not seem to get our new address right, but actually they were mailing statements every month, which she covertly hid from me to prevent me from discovering that all the checks she wrote me recently for rent were bad checks.  Of course I had trusted her because she had a good payment history with me, she was well employed, & we were a family.  She had no unexplained puchases.  I guess she spent the money on marijuana.  Maybe her income couldn't afford it as well as I had thought.  Anyhow, this was a long time ago.

What surprises me is the sudden number of female members here who spoke up so fast on the topic, frightening really.

Thanks for your sympathy, Uncle!  At the time, I didn't get any symoathy at all.  As a matter of fact, I ended up in jail after the abuser set me up for arrest!  My own father looked down on me for having been arrested.  DV often escalates to crisis when the victim starts to separate from the abuser.  Our legal crisis happened the day I arranged separate bedrooms for us.  Unbeknownst to me, she was very threatened by my decision to have my own bedroom.  She did not say so, but was fuming, & so she became abusive again.  After so many times of abuse, I snapped this time, after she bruised me & made me bleed, & traumatized me for hours.  I got hooked & for once, went into the offensive.

I didn't even actually scratch or bruise her, as she was huge, compared to me, but she knew I had lost control & took advantage of my off-balance mood to set me up.  She called 911 & claimed I was abusing her.   She had also done something like that once before, but not quite as direct.  When the police interviewed me, they ended up arresting me instead of her!  She was 6'2" , 220lbs, & had out-of-state records for DV as well as assault on police officers.  But out-of-state records were not checked

On the day I was wrongfully arrested, I guess she must have told them a good story, or they just wanted to take the weakest person because it would be easier.  Admittedly, I was not experienced at speaking up for myself, but I showed the officers I was bleeding.  They didn't care.  They arrested me, even though I was in my skivvies.  (Alway get dressed if you are going to be arrested, & put needed stuff like phone numbers in your pockets).  They wouldn't even allow me to take my purse, phone, phone book, or real clothes.

The officers did say something which I wish I had understood better at the time.  They asked if there was anywhere else I could go for the night.  Well, there wasn't, since I had no family in the area, & was isolated with the abuser.  So they took me in.  I wish they had communicated more plainly - like actually tell me that they wanted to separate me & the abuser for the night, & that if I had nowhere to go, they would arrest me just to separate us.  But they did not spell it out for me at all.  Of course I had nowhere to go!  Anyhow, looking back I realize now that a shelter or motel would have been a great option, compared to an arrest an jail!  I could easily have afforded it or made arrangements.  Even though she financially abused me, the bank seemed to keep letting transactions go through, plus I had credit, a good job, & even if worse come to worse, I certainly qualified for an immediate payday loan.  It was the middle of the day; lenders were open.  So, at best I could have had a peaceful night in a hotel with a hot bath & morning coffee, while at worst I could have found a shelter for the night or slept in my car near the police station.  If there are any officers reading this, please, PLEASE spell things out for people who are adrenalized & inexperienced, with no criminal record. When I replied I had nowhere else to go, I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined they were even considering arrest.  After all, I was bleeding, while she was uninjured!
 Nonetheless, "Do you have somewhere to go?" was police code for "GTFO or else".  Okay.  If you are an officer, you might want to stop reading because I'm going to be disparaging right now.

Am I the only one that thinks their subtlety was retarded?  Fuck-ass dumbshit obese surburbia co*s.  The only good crisis response is in urban areas, areas where officers' procedures matter because it is war on the streets every day.  You gotta wonder what kind of academy graduate takes a job on Doughnut Lane.  Some sort of career hazard mitigation rotation/reciprocity tradition ought to be considered.  Why should one cop be waddling down Doughnut Lane every day when other cops are dodging bullets all the time?  Some officers might be willing to occassionally swap out.  And learn something.  The best cops I've seen are transit cops.  They do not become complacent on work time, ever.  Anyhow.  Jesus, please protect us all.

So, later, when I was released from jail, in my skivvies, my choices were to walk home looking like a prostitute, which in & of itself could have resulted in another interaction with police (at a bad time, emotionally, too), or to call the abuser for a ride.  Of course, I called the abuser for a ride.  The justice system rigged my domestic violence arrest in such a way that the abuser & victim had no choice but to interact personally at length, isolated together in a moving vehicle with no escort after I was released.  That is a perversion of justice.  Every cell in my body wanted to avoid her & to walk the other way.  This was a woman who had broken one of my bones & put me in ER another time.  And inflicted really bad soft tissue damage.  But, I just did not have the confidence to walk the three miles back home to get my car, wearing such little clothing.  So I rode with her.

Looking back, I wish I had called the Red Cross or a church to ask for clothing or a ride, because a person simply must not get back in a car with an abuser.  Ever, if possible.  I would imagine depending on the abuser for a ride that day has to rank among my top 20 most humbling experiences, one that I disapprove of.

My pets & I never stayed another night there.  We camped in a pick-up truck & one of those nice, large wire/linoleum cat cages in a campground until I found an apartment.  I had already been looking, but had to look more.  I got really lucky because at one place, a terrible applicant had left the landlord a horrible poor-me note for application.  Seeing how pitiful, drama-ridden, & self-entitled the first applicant's note sounded, I mustered it up to leave a well-written, solid note about my employment & references.  I guess I got accepted because of the juxtaposition in applications.  Very fortunate luck.  Without that luck of "looking better", who knows how long the landlord would have taken to get back to me.  So, I was able to get in quickly.

In general, it seems like abusers target victims with no support networks.  Prior to the abuse, I had moved away from a very dysfunctional family.  I had "graduated" from counseling & had ran a support group, after being a regular member for years.  All my support groups talked about setting boundaries, but abusers don't respect boundaries so a young woman needs to be prepared to go "beyond boundaries" into recognizing signs of abuse & forbidding relating afterward.  In order to avoid drama, sometimes it's necessary to be a little "fake" or superficial, as well as secretive & two-faced, something a good woman usually avoids.  That's why they say all is fair in love & war.  A person's value system is turned upside down to escape abuse safely, just as most enlistees' value systems are turned on their head during deployment combat.  Suddenly all the good values you were raised with become liabilities, & the sins you were told to not do become necessities.  Later, after the abuse, I finally got "beyond boundary bumbling" & learned that trust equals communication-heard-and-respected.  I learned that no matter how needy or alone in the world a person is, you must keep the assholes out & choose partners wisely, because for every asshole that gets in, time & rapport which otherwise could have gone to a nice person, are used up in vain. I hope these memories don't trigger any inner turmoil in anyone especially suburban cops!  I just think passing on lessons that help me might help someone else.

A good lesson to remember is that abusers test their prey very subtley, just barely crossing social mores a little bit, like grabbing your arm just a little too strongly, holding your hand captive just a little too long, taking you out for dinner but only buying salad & drinks, having you over but the place is a pigsty, skipping steps (like groping before normal steps like hand holding & arms around), asking you to do something slightly unlawful like help them pilfer restaurant flatware from the restaurant table, offering you nice things they got for free but when you get there you can tell they hoarded all the good stuff leaving only garbage for you, keeping you a long time socially but not providing food or drink for over four hours, etc...

See, they know that if a woman accommodates these slightly unreasonable quirks, then she is an easy target.  And true to this lesson, the abuser I described actually had indeed told me early on that her parents did not respect her & that she had previously fought with police.  I should have identified those disclosures as big warnings.

However, I remained very flexible for reasons to do with my car being suddenly stolen at a really bad time for career commuting.  I bought a replacement car, but it could not pass emissions due to the manufacturer not designing it to have a catalytic converter.  Emissions told me I could not drive it, or that is what I understood.  I begged them for mercy, even cried tears.  The staff was nice to me, but could not back down on their policy.  Well, this woman, this future abuser, & I, had been dating.  She lived just a few miles away in a jurisdiction which did not have emissions control!  I felt I was over the barrel.  If I continued to live in my city, it would be two transfers through bad parts of town to bus to work.  I knew, because I had done it.  With my new car being prohibited in that city, I moved in with her despite the warning signs she gave.  I got my car back not too long after, but it had had embarrassing body damage for a long time, a well as its own emissions problem, & I much preferred the replacement car even though it failed emissions.

She seemed very in love with me & I sensed a great relationship would grow.  We moved in together, I got to drive my nice looking replacement car, & everything seemed fine at first.  I rationalized that the fight she said she had with police on the other side of the country a long time ago sounded very complicated & must have been a weird anomaly in her life.  I wasn't afraid of her at all.  She was larger, but I am resourceful, & strong too.  So, we began.  And slowly, so did the abuse.

These examples show how DV can take root.  Looking back, of course I would do a lot of things differently.  I acknowledge that she had mania in her eyes, but back then I just figured such a look was infatuation.  I hoped it was.  Schools could do better to teach children how to recognize mania on a face - That should be part of stranger-danger & dirty-uncle-danger talks.  A manic will stare, their pupils will be huge & their emotion will look much higher than the situation deserves.  We have all sees looks/facial expressions that are usually reserved for life' Hallmark moments (graduations, illness recoveries, looking at infants, parents' pride, special anniversaries, new homes/purchases, wedding nights, etc...).  Well, untreated manic people wear those expressions in low-key situations, so that is one sign to watch out for.  Manic-depressives need lovers too, but it is wise to know what you are in for, from the start.

This example of domestic violence abuse also demonstrates how young women who "take a geographic" from abusive families of origin can end up back in the cycle of abuse.  It can be a hard call when young, to stay near an abusive family of origin, or to try to start over somewhere else.  The real starting over is about relating better.  It can be easier to learn new relating techniques while being a distance away from bad family, at a time in young adulthood when a woman longs to cut the cord of abuse.  But it is also important to have family or close ones available nearby, so as to be insulated from potential abusers, & so as to have a fulfilling life, not a life of emotional vacuum, which could suck in a predator.  New relationships & support systems take time to round out, so the transitional years are a balance of moderation between the devil-you-don't-know & the devil-you-do.


Bobs Your Uncle

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Re: DV
« Reply #1 on: January 09, 2019, 05:12:36 PM »
You have been through quite a bit. Doesn't seem right. I wish your story was an anomaly but with some of the recent posts here, I am afraid there are more stories like this. As painful as it was to read, thanks for posting it.

Sofia

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Re: DV
« Reply #2 on: January 10, 2019, 12:08:29 AM »
You have been through quite a bit. Doesn't seem right. I wish your story was an anomaly but with some of the recent posts here, I am afraid there are more stories like this. As painful as it was to read, thanks for posting it.
Thanks, Bobs Your Uncle.  Yes, too many women (usually) are affected by domestic violence.  It didn't hurt today to go down memory lane.  I may not have pulled it off, but there actually is quite a bit of humor in many parts of it.

Like how during the pet attack, an unknown old man neighbor got a rifle out, right there in the middle of suburbia and used it, stopping the problem, all from over a tall wood fence.

Like how the judge didn't expect me to drop tears when he sarcastically said, "So.  Orange isn't your color?"  What a cruel, hilarious way to treat a snowflake.

Like how I didn't know that when cops say open the door and let us in, they have the right without a search warrant in certain circumstances.  Well, in a prior incident, to protect her from getting arrested for pot, I didn't want to let him in (a neighbor had called).  I ended up in handcuffs that time.  The officer said I watch too much T.V. if I think they need search warrants, at which point the abuser flatly declared, "She doesn't watch T.V."

Like how after everything, I called police for a officer to keep the peace while I collected my belongings...And the abuser was abusive to them!  Ha, ha, hilarious.  She was sooooo rude to them.  They remained professional, but everyone was aghast at her attitude.  Especially since at that point, she was still the cop caller and they had arrested me to help her!  What an ingrate.

Like how I called my dad from jail and asked him a favor, gave him instructions.  I said, "Whatever you do, don't communicate with the abuser.  Go through her mother."  Well, he went straight to the abuser against my wishes and it was a disaster.  Later, he for once in his life humbled himself and said, "You were right.  I should have gone through her mother."  Evidently she wasn't any nicer to him than she was to police, lol.

Just the idea of me being in jail has a lot of humor in it.  Like locking up Cinderella.  Really silly. 

The arraignment patrol car being stuffed to the gills with male inmates in the back.  And me, the queen, in the front.  I did feel a little guilty, but my seatbelt worked.

The arraignment officer driving recklessly to get us to the courthouse on time.  OMG.  The things the public doesn't know.

The jailer not having enough staff to control all of us, and taking my advice to just let me rest near a door.  Seriously, the officer "let me rest" unsupervised and unattended, near a private exterior door to the courthouse.  What would he have done if I had ran?

The officer who everyone liked because he made a point to bring painkillers each morning.  I didn't even know that was legal.  Can they do that?!

The people in the jail, OMG.  Brain-damaged people, kiss-up prostitutes, some young lady who shrouded her bed in clothes for curtains, etc...  It really seemed unfair that the brain-damaged person was in jail.  She did not know right from wrong.

And me.  Tranced out on, "Jesus please help me" 5,000 times until I fell asleep.  Asking the jailer what would happen to us in an earthquake, and him saying, "Lady, these walls are designed to keep people in."  Wow.  Just, WOW.

The way the State Police were called by an unknown stranger when the abuser was abusing me while driving.  By the time they arrived, I was out of the truck, insisting on walking back home.  The guardians of the peace made me get back in the family truck and continue home with the abuser, saying, "You are safer with her than alone on the street."  Wow again, just wow.  I wrote a letter to their supervisor about that later.

When the bad relationship was over, the way my doctor tried to force me to accept depression medicine as if she were in a parody.  She was pushing new depressions drugs.  She said I looked sad, without even asking me how I was doing or how my day was.  I was doing fine, freshly recovered from pneumonia, freshly out of that bad relationship.  But, my car broke down on the way to her office, which was on the way to my full time work shift.  And, my mending bone still hurt while I was forced to walk when the car broke down.  I was not familiar with the bus system, either.  But, she didn't inquire or establish rapport or anything.  Just kept insisting I should try the new pills.  OMG.  I told her I was not depressed, but my day had been a struggle and I still needed to get to work.  Sheesh.  I was there just to get a doctor's note about my pneumonia, which was required by my employer.  My doctor refused to provide one!  Unbelievable.  I did get a letter from her later, but that day was like a parody of pill pushing.

The way the pets acted one morning.  They were tense, because of the dynamic in the house.  At one point, I felt something and thought the big dog got under my feet.  (It turns out it was a cat that caused the tripping).  Anyhow, I cried out the dog's name in anger and like nothing you've ever seen before, suddenly every cat in the house pounced on the big dog.  4 cats stuck to her like Velcro.  I know it's cruel, but it also was hilarious.  The poor dog, hadn't even done anything wrong.  Whoever knew all those lazy cats ever had that kind of evil energy in them!

The way I wrote a letter of complaint to the police for having arrested the wrong person, and was about to deliver it at the local station, when I saw a very memorable, beleaguered officer going into the tiny little precinct.  I decided he obviously had enough other problems, so I decided to leave without darkening his day, and I left.  After all, the matter was over, I had no record, might as well move on.  Ten years later, I found out he did not actually work there, but had been doing deliveries for them!  Must be some burdensome deliveries!

The way the landlady took my side and stood with me for years.

The way the police would not prosecute my car thief as I continued to ask them all year long.  Until one day when a new lady officer answered the phone.  And prosecuted!  Yay!

The way a prosecutor educated me to the fact that he gets hundreds of voice mails all the time from criminals wanting him to take actions against other criminals, but without actually prosecuting anyone.  He replayed all the messages for me, and known criminals who he had prosecuted called asking for favors, for him to arrange consequences to other criminals who weren't playing fair with the original criminal.  Message after message, plea after plea, nonsense after nonsense.  I never knew that world even existed.  I still can't believe it.  Telling him not to prosecute, but to go get their tools back, things like that.  Crazy.  He rolled his eyes a lot as he showed me, shrugging his shoulders and saying, "What do they expect me to do?  I'm a prosecutor."  It was cool to have an inside peek, but I was surprised at how much garbage they deal with.

The way the abuser's parents insisted we sleep in an unheated room in the middle of a midwest winter... I got sick...  The hospital urgent care didn't believe in heat on the weekend and told me to suck it up... The abuser's mother was one of their chief administrators...  Lol..   And the doctor got mad when I asked for the insert of precautions which is supposed to come with the prescription...  They didn't have any insert, so I peeked in their Merck Manual or whatever and got a slap on the wrist.   I felt like, "Is this a dream or do these things really happen?"

The way the abuser's parents found out she committed financial fraud against them at the same time I was being financially victimized by her.

The way the abuser wasn't even overweight, yet my closest friend always referred to her as, "the one with the belly", lol.

The way the car thief left my diamond ring in the console and left me a wonderful canvas coat which I loved for years.

The way the car thief's name had the word "car" in it.

The way the car thief had a white pages published phone number.  Ooo la la, that was fun.  Everyone gets one freebie within reason, woo hoo.

I can't say things weren't entertaining.



ksm32

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Re: DV
« Reply #3 on: January 10, 2019, 12:11:08 AM »
By golly, you could get on Oprah. You shoulda let me git you that chair.
Make It Quick, The Coup De Grace

Sofia

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Re: DV
« Reply #4 on: January 10, 2019, 12:15:30 AM »
By golly, you could get on Oprah. You shoulda let me git you that chair.
It was a comedy of errors, for sure.

damon

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Re: DV
« Reply #5 on: January 10, 2019, 12:43:42 AM »
Thanks for the info

MaxPower

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Re: DV
« Reply #6 on: January 10, 2019, 10:12:17 AM »
Thanks for sharing your story. I can tell from your writings that you have come through this ordeal as a much stronger person. Too many people that go through similar difficult situations never move forward and remain in a sad depressed state (even suicidal in some cases) for the rest of their lives.

So sorry to hear about the pet dying from the traumatic injuries. That is always a difficult situation. I don't know the specifics of your pet situation, but I know how those thoughts can stay with you. I deal with animal issues and animal rescue on a daily basis and we currently have someone shooting dogs in the head, someone else throwing kittens from cars onto busy roads, and other instances of animal cruelty going on. Sometimes it does feel a bit overwhelming seeing so much of it, but what works for me is to channel those overwhelming thoughts into motivation to continue to do what I can to prevent things like this from happening again.

Sofia

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Re: DV
« Reply #7 on: January 10, 2019, 07:03:17 PM »
Thanks for sharing your story. I can tell from your writings that you have come through this ordeal as a much stronger person. Too many people that go through similar difficult situations never move forward and remain in a sad depressed state (even suicidal in some cases) for the rest of their lives.

So sorry to hear about the pet dying from the traumatic injuries. That is always a difficult situation. I don't know the specifics of your pet situation, but I know how those thoughts can stay with you. I deal with animal issues and animal rescue on a daily basis and we currently have someone shooting dogs in the head, someone else throwing kittens from cars onto busy roads, and other instances of animal cruelty going on. Sometimes it does feel a bit overwhelming seeing so much of it, but what works for me is to channel those overwhelming thoughts into motivation to continue to do what I can to prevent things like this from happening again.
Thanks for the work you do.  I really admire people who do work which others emotionally just can't.  I enjoy watching animal control success videos on You Tube.  It's amazing how they can collar dogs with that stick tool.  Just amazing.

What state are these heinous acts in?  Holy cow.  People need to keep their pets inside.  And livestock too.

MaxPower

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Re: DV
« Reply #8 on: January 10, 2019, 08:39:15 PM »
Thanks for the work you do.  I really admire people who do work which others emotionally just can't.  I enjoy watching animal control success videos on You Tube.  It's amazing how they can collar dogs with that stick tool.  Just amazing.

What state are these heinous acts in?  Holy cow.  People need to keep their pets inside.  And livestock too.
I am in Florida. Keeping pets, and children also, inside when not supervised is becoming the norm for people that want to keep them safe. It's a different world today.

Sofia

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Re: DV
« Reply #9 on: January 11, 2019, 11:18:44 PM »
I am in Florida. Keeping pets, and children also, inside when not supervised is becoming the norm for people that want to keep them safe. It's a different world today.
I get that, for sure.  I'm having a hard time understanding why livestock is not herded to the barn in areas where mutilations occur.